Beyond the Buzzwords, Vol 2: Coachese to English!

Hey there, frustrated friend and fellow freelancer!

Ever wondered why the "coaches" and various success-peddlers of the world seem to mean very different things when they use common words like "authenticity" or "mindset"?

“But what does it meeeean?!”

Introducing!

The "Coachese to English" dictionary! No more wondering what the hell someone's babbling about - read some of their most common words and phrases, and what they actually mean, right below. Did I mention it's FREE?!

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"Accountability" (noun)

1. Something I expect only of my clients. If they fail because of my advice, don't expect me to share any of the blame.

"Authenticity" (noun)

1. Lack of emotional regulation and/or appropriate boundaries; trauma-dumping on strangers and/or oversharing.

2. Negligence. I will show up to our Zoom half an hour late, looking like I just crawled out of a bin and eating a sandwich. I'm not refusing to take this or you seriously, you plebe - I'm just being authentic!

"Badass" (noun; adjective)

1. I spend a lot of my time on social media talking about what a badass I am. I will also go cry in a corner if someone as much as contradicts me when I'm blatantly lying. I like to call people "abusive" when they do that.

"Coach" (noun)

1. Coach

2. Teacher/trainer

3. Mentor

4. Consultant

5. Anyone who, in any way, promises to improve some aspect of your life, really. Regardless of whether they're successful in that aspect of their own life.

"Ethical" (adjective)

1. Things I like.

2. Meaningless buzzword through which I try to differentiate myself from the bazillions of other people offering, saying, and doing more or less exactly what I'm offering, saying, and doing. I probably still engage in plenty of boundary-violating and manipulative behavior to sell my stuff.

"Expert" (noun)

1. I decided I am one, because I said so. And since it's not a legally protected term like "doctor" or "lawyer", there's nothing you can do about it.

"FREE" (adjective)

1. Free in terms of money, expensive in terms of headache and energy you'll have to expend fighting off my aggressive selling.

"FREE 30-Minute Chat" (phrase)

1. Free chat where I'll mostly try to sell you my stuff, ignoring whether you're a good fit.

"FREE Masterclass" (phrase)

1. Free event that mostly serves as a pitch for my services. Don't expect to get much useful information out of it.

"Icky" (adjective)

1. Things I don't like.

"I did it, so you can do it, too!" (phrase)

1. I did it, and since I'm self-absorbed enough to think everyone has the exact same background as I (from connections to skills to privileges to personality traits to the sheer luck of being at the right place at the right time), you can do it, too.

2. I don't believe you can actually do it because I'm self-aware enough to know my results are probably not replicable, BUT I need to let you believe you can, 'cause otherwise you wouldn't buy.

3. I didn't do it, but if enough of you suckers buy my stuff, I might be able to do it.

"I don't work with just anyone" (phrase)

1. I work with just about anyone. Anyone who can pay my fees, that is.

"I've helped countless clients" (phrase)

1. I've helped a handful of clients, but I like being hyperbolic - sensationalism is just good marketing.

2. I've worked with countless clients, although most of them didn't really benefit - so dunno if I technically "helped".

3. I can't count, so they're literally countless.

"I Know/Charge My Worth" (phrase)

1. I decided, all by myself, that I deserve $$X amount. For no other reason than "because I said so".

"I made $10k dollars this month!" (phrase)

1. I made $10k in profit this month, by selling my services.

2. I made $10k this month, but after $8k of expenses like my own expensive "coach" and funnels, I pocketed $2k.

3. I made $330 in one day, so pro-rata that's $10k a month. Never mind it was my only $330 day.

4. I flipped my house this month, and made a $10k profit - no need for you to know it didn't come from my business.

5. I inherited or won $10k this month.

6. My husband/wife/polyamorous they-them lover made $8k this month, I made another $2k this month, but since we are together all money is our money, which makes it my money, which makes me a $10k earner.

"I use a potent blend of mindset work, business coaching, and life coaching"(phrase)

1. I do a little bit of everything because then I can blame you for not succeeding. I mean, I gave you mindset coaching AND business coaching AND life coaching AND accountability AND no-BS kicks in the butt?! Whose fault is it you still didn't succeed after aaaaalll that?

2. I have a pretty basic understanding of all those things, but think that saying all three sounds more impressive. And, I mean...understanding one of these *well* takes way too much time and effort. Quantity over quality!

3. I have very little self-awareness and genuinely think because "people always ask me for advice" (= that one person might have asked me once), I'm qualified to tell you how to run every aspect of your life. I'm not actively trying to scam you - just delusional.

"Look at my client Staceii! She Invested In Herself, Felt The Fear And Did It Anyway, and is now making $10k a month!" (phrase)

1. Look at this wild outlier, who represents maybe 1% of my clients, and therefore her success almost certainly had nothing to do with me - I was just at the right place, at the right time!

"Mindset Work" (noun)

1. Amateur-hour psychotherapy from someone who (as a rule) has zero psychology credentials, and mostly consists of regurgitating thimble-deep fortune cookie platitudes, or just labelling everything a "mindset issue".

"My amazing method / special sauce" (noun)

1. The exact same stuff most other people promising you success are offering, just ever-so-slightly repackaged. Also, the same stuff you could find for free on Youtube/Google/your local library.

"My method works if you work it" (phrase)

1. I like to argue in bad faith. If you get results, it was OBVIOUSLY my Amazing Method. If you don't - you didn't Do The Work. Heads I win, tails you lose, sucka.

"No-BS/no-fluff" (adjective)

1. See "ethical".

"Storytelling" (noun)

1. Emotional-button-pushing meant to distract from the lack of proof of concept/competence. I can't prove any of my whacky theories are true, but hey - I once lost a fight with a pitbull and now have PTSD from it, so buy my stuff!

"Supportive community of fellow badass entrepreneurs" (noun)

1. Motley crue of mostly confused and unsuccessful people you can try to lean on for cry-fests and empty pep talks. Consists of roughly 50% pensioners who are just bored and want to talk, 30% <30 year-olds who read way too many "Mindset Motivation" social media posts and think that makes them an "Entrepreneur", and maybe 20% people actually running a real business.

"(This freebie add-on) Valued at $9,997!" (phrase)

1. Valued by me. Nobody's ever paid that price for it. Shut up - that counts.

"You don't need to have (formal qualifications, proven track record, proven skills)" (phrase)

1. I don't have them either, and look how far being relentlessly self-promotional and lying my face off got me!

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This is but a little excerpt, to get you started. The full book will be out later this year, and cost only three easy payments of £997 - what a steal!